Reflections on ungendering love and relationship anarchy (2022 essay)

There was a monumental shift when I came home into my body a few years ago. Looking at myself in the mirror and announcing “I am agender” was such a liberating and frightening experience. Over time- unlearning and unpacking the conditioning of imposed “woman-ness/womanhood”- and most recently with the relevant surgery- I have become incredibly comfortable with my (un)gender identity.

But in the midst of figuring myself out I have realised that my concepts of love, desire and lust have completely changed. My bisexuality has evolved and expanded beyond the binary and perhaps it could be called something else, but as an ode to my younger self- bisexual is the label that will stay.

I think about how deeply I have learned to love the platonic. Being able to experience platonic love in fleeting moments and prolonged periods has been extraordinary for my heart’s growth. I’m so in love with friendship and the way it has moulded and shaped the type of Lover I am.

And, I am a Lover- to my friends, to my partner, to my family, to strangers. I’ve learned that I love loving and that I am my best self when I am loving others. Platonic love has shown me that long, sustainable and healthy relationships in all forms can exist- especially as someone who has not had the greatest record in romantic love.

In this (un)gendered state of mine- I’ve learned that my love transcends the gender binary- that the deep love that spills out of my chest and into others does not recognise the social structures and institutions that dictate what love is. I am a Lover before I am anything else. I am in service to those I love- within the boundaries and spaces we create between each other.

I think for a long time- when I imagine the role platonic love has played in my life- that I have always been a relationship anarchist. Transparency and communication have always been key. That those I love are free, autonomous, beautiful humans with their own lives, their own decisions and their own mistakes to make. My role here is to be a soft landing for great and painful moments my lovers experience and beyond that, I am an avid cheerleader and a lucky spectator in their adventures through life. That is enough for love to grow, knowing that I am privileged enough to bear witness to the beauty of others’ growth and journeys.

When I look at the role romantic love has played in my life I wonder how it could be in direct conflict to my core values and beliefs around love in general. Romantic love has been possessive and entitled and limiting and restricting and for some time I wondered if romantic love was really something I could engage in healthily and sustainably. And to some extent past lovers had their roles to play in that but, I believe primarily there was still a lot of unlearning around the hierarchies of relationships I needed to do to understand that love is boundless in all its forms- not only platonically.

I’m still learning what romantic love means to me. I still experience anxieties, frustrations and discomfort around new love interests that are heavily influenced by cisheteronormative ideologies. But what I am learning is that I am coming into my own as the Lover of my own dreams. I am fluid and flexible in the way that I love and need to be loved. I am learning that romance and intimacy is not only reserved for romantic love but casual encounters, platonic friendships and even fleeting acquaintances. There is no limit to my love regardless of a person’s role in my life. I will wake up and choose a freeing love, over and over again, for anyone and everyone who chooses to enter my little world and find comfort in it.

I haven’t teased out exactly who I am as a “long term” relationship anarchist lover (it’s been a while since I’ve been in that kind of relationship). But I have found fun, desire, deep lust and freedom in “casual” encounters- for both those who stick around for a little bit longer and those who don’t. I value them all deeply and equally. I adore the memories we create during our time together and I have allowed them (and they me) to wander in freely and exit out freely when the moment no longer served us both. And I’ve learned to be okay that not everyone is permanent. And even in the impermanence of some people’s existence in my life, I want them to experience me in my fullest form- loving, lusting and desiring- even if only for a moment.